the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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