I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
