just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
