I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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