This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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