We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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