My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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