He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
