Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I am naked and annoyed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
