I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
