New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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