Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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