I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
