So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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