someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
