This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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