dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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