I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
