i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
