theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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