I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
