I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
