If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
