I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
