But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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