he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
These tits shall not be calmed
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
