Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
