I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
