i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
