Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
