my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
