My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
