For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
