Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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