you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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