bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
