im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
