i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
