so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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