I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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