her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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