I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I had to cum in my sink.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
