Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
