Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I look better un-naked...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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