apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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