So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
