i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Two words: blizzard sex
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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