Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
