he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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