I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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