just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
