i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Panties = found
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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